This Blog Needs More Orange

I Know Just the Thing

Pauly D uploaded another picture of himself on Guys with iPhones. More than a few not-quite-household names have been self-commodifying on that shallow, filthy site of late. A recent Gawker article speculates on this gay-for-display phenomenon, so I won’t launch into any theories here. But yes, I do think that the placement of his pics on GWIP is as cold and calculated as the stony stare in the picture itself, and in this case no, I don’t think that Pauly D is the one doing the calculating.

I love the design of this website but hate that this website exists.

3 Things I Really Like About Pauly D

1. Despite (or perhaps in part because of) the narcissism and the posturing, he oozes hypermasculinity. I realize a lot of that’s the pecs and the guns—but it’s also, for some reason, the idiolect. I loves me a good old-fashioned colossal ego, especially when it’s often-voiced. It’s like watching a cartoon.
2. The bulletproof blowout (may or may not be an extension of #1). Oh, like you’re not stuck at one place in time with something? His hairstyle is a talking point that detractors revisit time and time again, but I’d be surprised if he ditched it. It’s become a part of his brand. Personally, I think excessive product is hot in guys’ hair. Pauly D’s blowout is amazing.
3. His motorcycle’s wheels have spinners. Enough said.

Precedent. Oh, did you think there was none?

3 Things I Find Regrettable About Pauly D

1. The excessive grooming and preening. The orange tan I don’t mind at all because his hair, eyes and complexion are all dark enough for him to get away with it. But unless they’re so hirsute that their eyebrows connect over the nose, dudes should not tweeze. At all. You can always tell, and it makes them seem girly.
2. The Cadillac tattoo. Does Cadillac own him? Are they afraid he’ll get cattle-rustled and re-sold to another ranch, like the Lazy Kia or the Double Hyundai? If we’re going to be totally honest (and we are), getting a reality television personality to tattoo a brand logo on their body in exchange for a large check would probably net somebody a promotion. It would also be less disturbing than somebody voluntarily wearing an enormous car logo on their skin forever. I think tattoos of any kind betray an incredible insecurity, but this one is particularly egregious.
3. In one of  the back-to-back series premiere episodes—I think it was the second of the two—he casually mused on the fact that it “only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose”. I mean, testosterone is hot and all, but I don’t care to have people who keep track of things like that anywhere near me.

Everything is connected to everything else.