People in Charge of Everything Apparently Unfazed by Depletion of World’s Letter X Reserves

12 02 2010

Future of Tracy Jordan Meat Machine™ Remains Unclear

So today Cοmcast officially becomes Χfinity. You heard me. I have no idea. Maybe Zfinity and Qfinity were both taken. But hey, it’s 2010 (a number, by the way, that sounds like it traveled back from the future to warn us that Disney would buy Marvel); as a kid, I was convinced that what was left of the human race would be wandering half-dead through a nuclear wasteland right about now, so if the worst thing I have to get all snide about at this particular moment is a questionable re-branding choice for a product I couldn’t care less about, I suppose I’m ahead of the game.

Still wrong.

No, wait, that’s not the worst thing I have to get all snide about at this particular moment. Disney. Bought. Marvel. Yawn. Let’s try that again. Disney bought Marvel! And for an obscene amount of money ($4,#@%,#@%,#@%). I know this is old news, and in fact I’d just stopped throwing up in my mouth a little every time I thought about it. But then I must’ve blinked, or something, because the next thing I know the Spider-Man film franchise is getting rebooted just so they can nuke Peter Parker all the way back to high school via some demographic-grabbing ever-prepubescent (if it ends up being a Zac Lautner or a Taylor Efron, as is being speculated, then you will know for sure that Marvel has officially had its balls cut off).

Still wrong.

The worst part about this prospect is that, despite casting a hairless Eloi as Spider-Man, they will manage to ‘shop said Eloi up with enough CGI, barely-legal supplements and gratuitous shirtless abdominal shots to commodify this man-child sex object (and by extension the Marvel character) into now-all-too-familiar homoerotic oblivion. Slippery slope my ass: where a teenaged and emasculated Peter Parker rears its smugly head, X-treme Pink Princess She-Hulk® and X-Men Babies® cannot be far behind. Which of course will result in even more squandering of our precious letters X.

One mega-merged half of the world’s second-largest publicly traded company called. It wants its “X” back.

Like most non-renewable resource crises, this rampant over-consumption of the letter X really took off in the consonant-guzzling 1970s. So once again we come to find that the 1970s ruined something for the rest of us. No surprises there.


YouTube Compilation on YouTube

1 10 2009

3 Minutes, 24 Seconds of Footage Which You Will Thoroughly Enjoy and Which Represent the 1642 Hours, 54 Minutes, 18 Seconds Your Employer Will Never Get Back

I almost didn’t post on this, but then yesterday the band Hadouken, who recently uploaded a video of 100 viral clip excerpts meticulously arranged to their single “M.A.D”, added a source list to the YouTube page and suddenly I kinda wanted to again.

I wasn’t being a smart-ass when I described the arrangement of these clips as “meticulous”. The groupings are thoughtful but unpredictable, the editing is unsloppy and the synchronization is disciplined without being regimented or robotic. I liked how sometimes the juxtapositions were about escalation, while other times they were about contrast. And the whole thing’s executed without any of the pretense of Weezer’s “Pork and Beans” video (or Weezer’s subsequent let’s-milk-this remix video). So no, it hasn’t been done.


L: direct reference (Jack cues “Sneezing Panda” for Liz). R: indirect reference (George-Michael’s purloined video parallels “star wars kid” clip).

Any time you see the word “greatest” next to the word “hits”, the words “not an exact science” are understood; still, because people are idiots, the comments section for this video is chock-full of complaints about clip originals with unacceptably low view counts, supposed glaring omissions, and similar criticisms. So, in the prevailing spirit of reader-response, here are my uninvited opinions:

  1. I would have left out “leave britney spears alone”, but if you were one of the zero people thinking about Chris Crocker then perhaps you appreciated its inclusion.
  2. I’m not sure I would have included the Ok Go treadmill thing—should official music videos “count”?
  3. If you posted a video like “charlie bit my finger” or “Bizkit the Sleepwalking Running Dog” on somebody’s wall more recently than your mom did, it means she’s cooler than you.

In case you care, or are bored and crave links, I should add that this montage did include a few of my personal favorites. And just enough time had passed for me not to be enraged by the inclusion of Kelly footage (I still can’t watch the “Shoes” video one more time, lest I be reminded of those unfortunate 18 months during which every other word out of the mouth of every fag hag on the planet was “betch”, but I am always up for watching the cameo-laden “Let Me Borrow That Top”).

a case of beer


a quesadilla


[audible laughter] Yeah, this is real life.


Don’t front: for the last four years, your IRL memories—like mine—have had to share brain space with the very real, very memorable, and very documented stuff of strangers. This is the mystery of profitable (if inappropriately-applied) technology. We wear our cell phones on our ears, not our wrists, and we don’t have affordable Moon vacations or a cure for cancer. Instead we have a taggable, flaggable benevolent clip monarchy, which is something no one could have predicted. Brilliant. I’ll take YouTube over a hoverboard any goddamned day of the week.