Furverts Thrown Bone

1 07 2010

Yiffy Ad Campaign Continues to Cater to Niche Fetish

This zoomorphic Orangina ad campaign has been going strong for, like, two or three years now, but the new 10-second shaving spot caught my attention. It just went up on Orangina’s YouTube channel, which is where the company tests out its ads before moving the most popular ones to television. Oh, and if you think I’m being crass or presumptuous about the whole furry angle, just check out the “enthusiastic” comments left on the Orangina channel page. You’ll find that the usernames and avatars kinda speak for themselves.

Big game deodorizing with Orangina after big game.

Way to tap into the whole locker room fantasy thing, BTW. So here’s the deal with these print and video ads: talking animals walk erect among us, hanging out and hooking up with human beings as if this were the most normal thing in the world. Animal anatomies are barely zoomorphed. Toes are spread on hoofed mammals just enough to afford working digits; pupils are altered on carnivores just enough to express non-verbal cues.

Okay, so, animals. Not really original, but the approach is disciplined, so in theory I’m still on board.

Where they lose me is when they start messing with my semantic differentiation. I mean, my human brain is still pretty plastic, but my monkey brain doesn’t like being told to drink detergent. Oh, you mean I can put floor wax in my mouth and swallow it? Thanks for nothing, Mr. Yuk™. Depicting a soft drink as an H&BA item is pushing it—watching a female panda laud the merits of using Orangina as a douche definitely tested my limits, as did the zit-popping chameleon (as if lizards weren’t repellent enough). But depicting a known potable as a household cleaning agent seems counterintuitive for a reason.

Delusional puma aftershaving with Orangina before misbehaving with body hair-less cat.

This new one, though, which may or may not ever find its way to French TV, really makes me wanna take aerosol shots of Orange Pledge® right from the can (no wax, no buildup; removes up to 84% of allergens in dust). Because most furries are same-sex oriented, it was probably only a matter of time before Orangina reinforced the stereotype of homosexual men as shallow, mirror-gazing body fascists by slapping some abs on a lower mammal. And not just any lower mammal, but one from the Feliformia suborder: an effing cat!  Real nice—everybody knows they spend way too much time grooming.

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This Blog Needs More Orange

13 02 2010

I Know Just the Thing

Pauly D uploaded another picture of himself on Guys with iPhones. More than a few not-quite-household names have been self-commodifying on that shallow, filthy site of late. A recent Gawker article speculates on this gay-for-display phenomenon, so I won’t launch into any theories here. But yes, I do think that the placement of his pics on GWIP is as cold and calculated as the stony stare in the picture itself, and in this case no, I don’t think that Pauly D is the one doing the calculating.

I love the design of this website but hate that this website exists.

3 Things I Really Like About Pauly D

  1. Despite (or perhaps in part because of) the narcissism and the posturing, he oozes hypermasculinity. I realize a lot of that’s the pecs and the guns—but it’s also, for some reason, the idiolect. I loves me a good old-fashioned colossal ego, especially when it’s often-voiced. It’s like watching a cartoon.
  2. The bulletproof blowout (may or may not be an extension of #1). Oh, like you’re not stuck at one place in time with something? His hairstyle is a talking point that detractors revisit time and time again, but I’d be surprised if he ditched it. It’s become a part of his brand. Personally, I think excessive product is hot in guys’ hair. Pauly D’s blowout is amazing.
  3. His motorcycle’s wheels have spinners. Enough said.

Precedent. Oh, did you think there was none?

3 Things I Find Regrettable About Pauly D

  1. The excessive grooming and preening. The orange tan I don’t mind at all because his hair, eyes and complexion are all dark enough for him to get away with it. But unless they’re so hirsute that their eyebrows connect over the nose, dudes should not tweeze. At all. You can always tell, and it makes them seem girly.
  2. The Cadillac tattoo. Does Cadillac own him? Are they afraid he’ll get cattle-rustled and re-sold to another ranch, like the Lazy Kia or the Double Hyundai? If we’re going to be totally honest (and we are), getting a reality television personality to tattoo a brand logo on their body in exchange for a large check would probably net somebody a promotion. It would also be less disturbing than somebody voluntarily wearing an enormous car logo on their skin forever. I think tattoos of any kind betray an incredible insecurity, but this one is particularly egregious.
  3. In one of  the back-to-back series premiere episodes—I think it was the second of the two—he casually mused on the fact that it “only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose”. I mean, testosterone is hot and all, but I don’t care to have people who keep track of things like that anywhere near me.

Everything is connected to everything else.





Mother Nature Goes A Little Bit Crazy with the Bronzer

23 09 2009

Blotchy, Irregular Application Leaves Parts of Earth As Orange, If Not As Ridiculous-Looking, As That Tanorexic Dude You Always See at the Gay Bar

The flooding in Georgia and a dust storm in Australia made for some pretty insane visuals:

Orange.

L: This is something that happens. R: This is also something that happens.

In each case, mineralogy and meteorology collided for some OT-plague, vengeful-God grade activity. Holy crap, that Six Flags is gonna reek during Fright Fest®.

Six Flags

Atlanta, Georgia, USA; Northern Hemisphere, water and earth

Luna Park

Sydney, Australia; Southern Hemisphere, air and earth

There’re some pretty insane “before and after” comparison shots, or whatever you want to call them, mixed in among the rest of the 1000+ photographs on the Flickr pool that I lifted the Sydney images from. Of the two phenomena, the dust storm made for more interesting images—plus the death toll for the Southern-state flooding is at, like, 10, and I felt kinda ghoulish nosing around Google Images for something as frivolous as juxtaposition pics (you’ll notice, though, that it didn’t stop me).

Atlanta Wheel

Six Flags Over Georgia

Sydney Wheel

Luna Park Sydney

Two weeks.

Mars canteen from Total Recall





Jason Bateman Plays “Beleaguered” Well

1 09 2009

Terry Gross Once Again Reminds Listening Audience of Underused Word’s Existence

Terry Gross interviewed Jason Bateman on Fresh Air the other night. It was tidy (you can listen to it here). Most of the time was devoted to his current film projects and earliest television work as a child actor. Gross even played a Little House on the Prairie clip featuring Bateman—I didn’t remember the episode, but it typified the show’s empty-calorie, pull-knob-to-dispense, Landon-brand moral tone (which, when coupled with the subscription to “Highlights Magazine for Puritans Children” that your aunt renewed each year on your behalf, was the 1980s equivalent of asphyxiation by pressing). Don’t even get me started on Highway to Heaven. Cut your hair, sir.

Throughout the segment, Bateman remained interesting and often witty. At times he was self-deprecating, but never to the point of being disingenuous. When Gross suggested that Bateman played “beleaguered” well, I instantly felt the need to use the word “beleaguered” as soon as was practically possible. Almost as instantly, all thoughts (except for the thought about using the word “beleaguered”) turned to Arrested Development and the character of Michael Bluth, the bland sort of center of the show—his words.

Gob's the oldest.

Pictured: effects of primogeniture hangover.

To be honest, there was very little Arrested Development talk in the interview. I won’t even play. I really just grasped at the first straw that gave me an excuse to post screen caps of a few of my favorite Michael Bluth facial expressions.

Uuunnnhhh!!!

Pictured: father exacerbates unreliability of son’s truth value.