“Maybe Tonight”–What’re the Chances!

14 02 2010

Actually, “Maybe Tonight” Was a Very Popular Candy Slogan, And the Chances Were 1 in 8

I have no opinion—at all—on the color and expression changes made to conversation hearts. They’ve added and dropped sayings every year for as long as I can remember, so I don’t see why anyone would suddenly care. As for the color, as long as they’re even remotely pastel I see no cause for concern. I’m really just jumping here at the chance to pay homage to one of the best Arrested Development episodes ever (“Marta Complex”, original air date 2/8/04).

According to msnbc.com, your chances of getting the new “Tweet me” message are 1 in 80.

For a vintage (2004) assembly of statistical data on the average sack of conversation hearts, read this illustrated report. It’s thoroughly entertaining. Number of “U R A STAR” messages in their sample bag? Four. “U R A QT”? Ten. “U R A 10?” One. They reported five as unreadable (which seems low). Some of their “zero counts” are clever.

If you’re looking for the Sweethearts® Conversation Hearts iPhone® app or Twitter® account, you can find them here.


This Blog Needs More Orange

13 02 2010

I Know Just the Thing

Pauly D uploaded another picture of himself on Guys with iPhones. More than a few not-quite-household names have been self-commodifying on that shallow, filthy site of late. A recent Gawker article speculates on this gay-for-display phenomenon, so I won’t launch into any theories here. But yes, I do think that the placement of his pics on GWIP is as cold and calculated as the stony stare in the picture itself, and in this case no, I don’t think that Pauly D is the one doing the calculating.

I love the design of this website but hate that this website exists.

3 Things I Really Like About Pauly D

  1. Despite (or perhaps in part because of) the narcissism and the posturing, he oozes hypermasculinity. I realize a lot of that’s the pecs and the guns—but it’s also, for some reason, the idiolect. I loves me a good old-fashioned colossal ego, especially when it’s often-voiced. It’s like watching a cartoon.
  2. The bulletproof blowout (may or may not be an extension of #1). Oh, like you’re not stuck at one place in time with something? His hairstyle is a talking point that detractors revisit time and time again, but I’d be surprised if he ditched it. It’s become a part of his brand. Personally, I think excessive product is hot in guys’ hair. Pauly D’s blowout is amazing.
  3. His motorcycle’s wheels have spinners. Enough said.

Precedent. Oh, did you think there was none?

3 Things I Find Regrettable About Pauly D

  1. The excessive grooming and preening. The orange tan I don’t mind at all because his hair, eyes and complexion are all dark enough for him to get away with it. But unless they’re so hirsute that their eyebrows connect over the nose, dudes should not tweeze. At all. You can always tell, and it makes them seem girly.
  2. The Cadillac tattoo. Does Cadillac own him? Are they afraid he’ll get cattle-rustled and re-sold to another ranch, like the Lazy Kia or the Double Hyundai? If we’re going to be totally honest (and we are), getting a reality television personality to tattoo a brand logo on their body in exchange for a large check would probably net somebody a promotion. It would also be less disturbing than somebody voluntarily wearing an enormous car logo on their skin forever. I think tattoos of any kind betray an incredible insecurity, but this one is particularly egregious.
  3. In one of  the back-to-back series premiere episodes—I think it was the second of the two—he casually mused on the fact that it “only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose”. I mean, testosterone is hot and all, but I don’t care to have people who keep track of things like that anywhere near me.

Everything is connected to everything else.

YouTube Compilation on YouTube

1 10 2009

3 Minutes, 24 Seconds of Footage Which You Will Thoroughly Enjoy and Which Represent the 1642 Hours, 54 Minutes, 18 Seconds Your Employer Will Never Get Back

I almost didn’t post on this, but then yesterday the band Hadouken, who recently uploaded a video of 100 viral clip excerpts meticulously arranged to their single “M.A.D”, added a source list to the YouTube page and suddenly I kinda wanted to again.

I wasn’t being a smart-ass when I described the arrangement of these clips as “meticulous”. The groupings are thoughtful but unpredictable, the editing is unsloppy and the synchronization is disciplined without being regimented or robotic. I liked how sometimes the juxtapositions were about escalation, while other times they were about contrast. And the whole thing’s executed without any of the pretense of Weezer’s “Pork and Beans” video (or Weezer’s subsequent let’s-milk-this remix video). So no, it hasn’t been done.


L: direct reference (Jack cues “Sneezing Panda” for Liz). R: indirect reference (George-Michael’s purloined video parallels “star wars kid” clip).

Any time you see the word “greatest” next to the word “hits”, the words “not an exact science” are understood; still, because people are idiots, the comments section for this video is chock-full of complaints about clip originals with unacceptably low view counts, supposed glaring omissions, and similar criticisms. So, in the prevailing spirit of reader-response, here are my uninvited opinions:

  1. I would have left out “leave britney spears alone”, but if you were one of the zero people thinking about Chris Crocker then perhaps you appreciated its inclusion.
  2. I’m not sure I would have included the Ok Go treadmill thing—should official music videos “count”?
  3. If you posted a video like “charlie bit my finger” or “Bizkit the Sleepwalking Running Dog” on somebody’s wall more recently than your mom did, it means she’s cooler than you.

In case you care, or are bored and crave links, I should add that this montage did include a few of my personal favorites. And just enough time had passed for me not to be enraged by the inclusion of Kelly footage (I still can’t watch the “Shoes” video one more time, lest I be reminded of those unfortunate 18 months during which every other word out of the mouth of every fag hag on the planet was “betch”, but I am always up for watching the cameo-laden “Let Me Borrow That Top”).

a case of beer


a quesadilla


[audible laughter] Yeah, this is real life.


Don’t front: for the last four years, your IRL memories—like mine—have had to share brain space with the very real, very memorable, and very documented stuff of strangers. This is the mystery of profitable (if inappropriately-applied) technology. We wear our cell phones on our ears, not our wrists, and we don’t have affordable Moon vacations or a cure for cancer. Instead we have a taggable, flaggable benevolent clip monarchy, which is something no one could have predicted. Brilliant. I’ll take YouTube over a hoverboard any goddamned day of the week.

Jason Bateman Plays “Beleaguered” Well

1 09 2009

Terry Gross Once Again Reminds Listening Audience of Underused Word’s Existence

Terry Gross interviewed Jason Bateman on Fresh Air the other night. It was tidy (you can listen to it here). Most of the time was devoted to his current film projects and earliest television work as a child actor. Gross even played a Little House on the Prairie clip featuring Bateman—I didn’t remember the episode, but it typified the show’s empty-calorie, pull-knob-to-dispense, Landon-brand moral tone (which, when coupled with the subscription to “Highlights Magazine for Puritans Children” that your aunt renewed each year on your behalf, was the 1980s equivalent of asphyxiation by pressing). Don’t even get me started on Highway to Heaven. Cut your hair, sir.

Throughout the segment, Bateman remained interesting and often witty. At times he was self-deprecating, but never to the point of being disingenuous. When Gross suggested that Bateman played “beleaguered” well, I instantly felt the need to use the word “beleaguered” as soon as was practically possible. Almost as instantly, all thoughts (except for the thought about using the word “beleaguered”) turned to Arrested Development and the character of Michael Bluth, the bland sort of center of the show—his words.

Gob's the oldest.

Pictured: effects of primogeniture hangover.

To be honest, there was very little Arrested Development talk in the interview. I won’t even play. I really just grasped at the first straw that gave me an excuse to post screen caps of a few of my favorite Michael Bluth facial expressions.


Pictured: father exacerbates unreliability of son’s truth value.