People in Charge of Everything Apparently Unfazed by Depletion of World’s Letter X Reserves

12 02 2010

Future of Tracy Jordan Meat Machine™ Remains Unclear

So today Cοmcast officially becomes Χfinity. You heard me. I have no idea. Maybe Zfinity and Qfinity were both taken. But hey, it’s 2010 (a number, by the way, that sounds like it traveled back from the future to warn us that Disney would buy Marvel); as a kid, I was convinced that what was left of the human race would be wandering half-dead through a nuclear wasteland right about now, so if the worst thing I have to get all snide about at this particular moment is a questionable re-branding choice for a product I couldn’t care less about, I suppose I’m ahead of the game.

Still wrong.

No, wait, that’s not the worst thing I have to get all snide about at this particular moment. Disney. Bought. Marvel. Yawn. Let’s try that again. Disney bought Marvel! And for an obscene amount of money ($4,#@%,#@%,#@%). I know this is old news, and in fact I’d just stopped throwing up in my mouth a little every time I thought about it. But then I must’ve blinked, or something, because the next thing I know the Spider-Man film franchise is getting rebooted just so they can nuke Peter Parker all the way back to high school via some demographic-grabbing ever-prepubescent (if it ends up being a Zac Lautner or a Taylor Efron, as is being speculated, then you will know for sure that Marvel has officially had its balls cut off).

Still wrong.

The worst part about this prospect is that, despite casting a hairless Eloi as Spider-Man, they will manage to ‘shop said Eloi up with enough CGI, barely-legal supplements and gratuitous shirtless abdominal shots to commodify this man-child sex object (and by extension the Marvel character) into now-all-too-familiar homoerotic oblivion. Slippery slope my ass: where a teenaged and emasculated Peter Parker rears its smugly head, X-treme Pink Princess She-Hulk® and X-Men Babies® cannot be far behind. Which of course will result in even more squandering of our precious letters X.

One mega-merged half of the world’s second-largest publicly traded company called. It wants its “X” back.

Like most non-renewable resource crises, this rampant over-consumption of the letter X really took off in the consonant-guzzling 1970s. So once again we come to find that the 1970s ruined something for the rest of us. No surprises there.

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